To Anyone Who Feels Stuck or Uninspired Remember The Following
Welcome Back, Dear
I wish I could stray and run away from you.
Forget it all and pass on like the waves of every sea and ocean.
Hello, again. You remain here just like wading toxic trash that only just keeps poluting the water in many more ways than one .
One day, we will cross paths again- and the disgusting feeling of seaweed brushing against my feet and legs are nearly the same.
It makes me shiver in disgust as I shake off the seaweed leaves, however you make me quiver in fear.
No longer quivering…
My body- I feel as if I can no longer move it.
Fuck.
I am STILL.
Why can’t I run away? Why can’t I scream?
Why won’t my body react?
I can’t move, I’m trapped once again.
I’m STUCK.
Still as can be- just like the doll you make me out to be. Another doll to throw into your collection.
Unintentionally tensing my body and ready for any impact at any moment.
I am still reminding myself to relax my body til this day as I catch myself doing so- tensing as my anxiety rises.
My body feels sore and ached from involuntarily tensing up all the time. My mind is exhausted- too much thinking.. too much going on. And no one to talk to.
My heart-.
You had no regard for me at all. You did not care about me. You didn’t truly love me as you claimed you did.
However, now you’ve changed- or claim to have.
All of the disgusting, freighting, and terrible things you have done to me. I can not forget.
But why do I still care for you?
Why did you have to come back?
You should have stayed far, far away from me-
I was rebuilding myself, trying to find pieces that I was missing and lost.
But you are back again.
Why?
Hold Me
I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings.
Everyday is different but the same in a sense. I am always afraid of what will come tomorrow, even within the next few hours or minutes.
I never know what will to come.
I am afraid.
Hating to admit this but I still do.
I want people to understand what it’s like. How frightening it really is to live with this mental disorder.
Not being able to control yourself properly because you’ve grown up not knowing how to regulate and deal with situations in a healthy manor.
As we grow older, we adapt and develop these behaviors to protect ourselves- only to do the complete opposite.
BPD is a personality disorder that is defined by the inability to adjust one’s behavior, thinking, and pattern responses to situations and feelings.
Therapists use the DSM-5 to diagnose BPD, among other mental disorders. BPD is often comorbid- meaning someone like me has more than just BPD such as major anxiety, psychotic depression, and bipolar type 2.
Constantly trying new medications with side affects that can lead to suicide does not make sense to me.
I’ve always wished to be normal.
I find that quite sad.
I remember the feeling and awareness of how different I was. Something was just quite not right.
To wish to be normal at such a young age, I find so disheartening.
I’m super impulsive, reckless.
One minute I want help, the next I don’t.
I don’t know who I am.
It scares me.
My memory is hazy, dissociative amnesia is not fun. Hearing stories about yourself and not even remembering it… it’s frightening and I feel so alone.
Often times people do not believe me when I tell them that I do not remember.
I feel horrible not remembering.
Ashamed. Guilty. Confused. Ultimately, afraid.
It’s as if I’m hearing a story about someone else because I don’t recognize that as me.
I just don’t remember.
These times often come whenever I am stressed out and dissociating to the point where it lasts for weeks, maybe even months.
Then I will wake up one day, feeling more grounded and unable to answer questions as to where I have been and what I have been doing.
People who I met during those times- I don’t even remember. I can’t seem to recall the events, conversations, and more. It’s like looking back at someone else and I’m just in the passenger seat.
If I had to describe hell, this would be it.
What else do you take with you to the grave?
Your experiences and memories.
I’ll begin to remember bits and pieces in my dreams. In the beginning, I want to know who I was and what I did- until I start to remember again.
A rush of all of the unwanted memories.
Sometimes in my sleep and others, just flashbacks. Either way, it’s no fun at all.
Oblivion is blissful.
A part of me wants it back but then I would just still be stuck in that rabbit hole.
Worn out Bones
I am so tired…
Exhausted.
I lost myself growing up.
But then again, who is Missai?
All of these problems, storms, and casualties.
This turmoil- brought me to believe that…
Everything I touch, I always break.
Not being able to rip out these thoughts from my head, I began to self harm at a very early age.
But why? For what?
It feels like a never ending rabbit hole…
But I just keep falling.
My bones, they ache.
Tumbling… Tumbling… and I fell.
Sometimes I ponder, wondering if this is actually hell.
I wish there was a simple solution- but of course life is not that painless.
Who can I trust if not myself?
Our One Year Anniversary
I remember everything.
I will never forget.
My dear, it is our one year anniversary. One year ago today, I was finally able to escape your grasp.
You ruined me. Scarred me without making a trace. Deprived of sleep as you slept so soundly. You ate like a king, as I grew thinner. I'm shaking... and shaking... Why are you so calm? How are you so calm? And collected? I can still smell the old tacky motel room. I still feel the fear you instilled in me. One year later, I am awake still. You would not let me go. Shaking... now sobbing. My lips and limbs are now numb. Unintentionally always tensing my body. My muscles ache as the pain grows heavier. I feel as if I am always on edge... My body reacts as if I was on a rollercoaster. But I am standing still. Still. Stuck. Finally, rid of you. But I will never forget. Happy one year anniversary.
Missai's Mad Mind 