Hold Me

I can’t seem to get rid of these feelings.

Everyday is different but the same in a sense. I am always afraid of what will come tomorrow, even within the next few hours or minutes.

I never know what will to come.

I am afraid.

Hating to admit this but I still do.

I want people to understand what it’s like. How frightening it really is to live with this mental disorder.

Not being able to control yourself properly because you’ve grown up not knowing how to regulate and deal with situations in a healthy manor.

As we grow older, we adapt and develop these behaviors to protect ourselves- only to do the complete opposite.

BPD is a personality disorder that is defined by the inability to adjust one’s behavior, thinking, and pattern responses to situations and feelings.

Therapists use the DSM-5 to diagnose BPD, among other mental disorders. BPD is often comorbid- meaning someone like me has more than just BPD such as major anxiety, psychotic depression, and bipolar type 2.

Constantly trying new medications with side affects that can lead to suicide does not make sense to me.

I’ve always wished to be normal.

I find that quite sad.

I remember the feeling and awareness of how different I was. Something was just quite not right.

To wish to be normal at such a young age, I find so disheartening.

I’m super impulsive, reckless.

One minute I want help, the next I don’t.

I don’t know who I am.

It scares me.

My memory is hazy, dissociative amnesia is not fun. Hearing stories about yourself and not even remembering it… it’s frightening and I feel so alone.

Often times people do not believe me when I tell them that I do not remember.

I feel horrible not remembering.

Ashamed. Guilty. Confused. Ultimately, afraid.

It’s as if I’m hearing a story about someone else because I don’t recognize that as me.

I just don’t remember.

These times often come whenever I am stressed out and dissociating to the point where it lasts for weeks, maybe even months.

Then I will wake up one day, feeling more grounded and unable to answer questions as to where I have been and what I have been doing.

People who I met during those times- I don’t even remember. I can’t seem to recall the events, conversations, and more. It’s like looking back at someone else and I’m just in the passenger seat.

If I had to describe hell, this would be it.

What else do you take with you to the grave?

Your experiences and memories.

I’ll begin to remember bits and pieces in my dreams. In the beginning, I want to know who I was and what I did- until I start to remember again.

A rush of all of the unwanted memories.

Sometimes in my sleep and others, just flashbacks. Either way, it’s no fun at all.

Oblivion is blissful.

A part of me wants it back but then I would just still be stuck in that rabbit hole.

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